I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn off my feet"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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