So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
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So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
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Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger