"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway