Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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