My cat gives me a boner
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
