I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
