I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
