So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
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Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix