The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.