I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?