So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.