last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
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Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
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Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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