just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
