it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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