She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
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I booty called her while she was in labor.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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