I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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