My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
