worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
