I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
