You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
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Regret, thy taste is box wine.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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