...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
