She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
