You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
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