Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live