I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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