forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
