I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!