My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back