i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating