Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.