dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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