I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
