Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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