i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
