I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
