My room smells like vodka and shame
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
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Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.