So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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