He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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