my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
