Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
