Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
