Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
