I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
