Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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