Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
