what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
