All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
