turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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