i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He better not be in your backpack
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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