the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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