i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
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This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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