If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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