Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Floor bacon is actually really good
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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