Your face is a jimmy john
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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